Raiders vs Cardinals: We are required to inform you that these Foretellings are works of satire and are not for the faint of heart. Due to their content they should not be read by anyone. Please enjoy at your own risk. -The Editor
Greetings, Raider Nation! It is I, the yeast to your dough, the hops to your beer, and the funk in your dysfunction, Raiderdamus the Great and Powerful. I come to you today hot off another correct prediction of a Raiders loss, because what else is new? Predicting the Raiders to lose is like predicting the sun will rise, the French will be tactless surrender monkeys and Comcast will have abhorrent customer service.
But it is another week, and as such it’s time to once again consult the Great Beyond, and listen to his great wisdom. Silence your cell phones and assume a posture of meditation:
“You’re back! Isn’t this getting old? You tell me a team, I tell you how much they’ll beat the Raiders by, so on and so forth ad nauseum. You and all your friends must be true masochists to keep coming to me like this. But who do you got this week? The Cardinals?
Oh, man, there are few teams I hate more than the Cardinals! Mark McGwire was more juiced up than the Kool-Aid Man, Tony Larussa had the charisma of a smoked ham and Bob Gibson was only good because he pitched on a mound taller than he was. Ozzie Smith was all glove, no stick and is only famous because he can do a backflip, which isn’t even a thing you do in baseball. And the best prospect they’ve had in years got drunk and drove himself and his girlfriend off a cliff rather than have to play for the Cardinals. Furthermore, they employed Enos Slaughter, best known for being the colossal racist dick who spiked Jackie Robinson. The Cardinals are a waste of time and space and energy and they should be yeeted into the Sun immediately. If the Cardinals were footwear, they’d be open-toed sandals and socks. The Cardinals are to baseball what St. Louis is to pizza. The next time I see fucking Matt Carpenter hit a three-run… wait, what?
The football team? There’s a Cardinals football team?
Oh, THOSE Cardinals. You’ll have to forgive me for forgetting them. It’s pretty damn hard to exist for 120 years and have no history to speak of. When the Cardinals were founded, as the Morgan Athletic Club in Chicago in 1898, the United States flag had 45 stars. Utah had just recently been admitted to the Union, a move which has proven to be one of the more embarrassing mistakes in American history. The Spanish-American War was in full effect. And since that time, the Cardinals have accomplished exactly dick.
The first game the Cardinals had upon becoming a charter member of the NFL in 1920 was a 0-0 tie against the Chicago Tigers. It has been all downhill from there. The last time the Cardinals won a title was 1947. The entire Baby Boomer generation has been born since then. The Vietnam War began and ended since then, as did the Cold War. Rock and roll did not exist the last time the Cardinals won anything. The events depicted in Back to the Future had not happened yet. Man had yet to walk on the Moon.
That’s not to say that the Cardinals haven’t had some good players. Larry Wilson, Jackie Smith, and Ottis Anderson all came to fame as Cardinals players. But people don’t know who the fuck Larry Wilson is anymore, and they know Smith as the Cowboy who dropped a pass in the Super Bowl and Anderson as a New York Giant.